Emily's Birth Story
I started Lucy’s birth story with the words… “Little did we know that our first SUK Conference would change our lives forever. Fate was on our side that day, one cold Saturday in October 2003. A course of events was set in motion which has led to the little bundle of joy that is sleeping peacefully at my side.”
Twenty months later, I can now say that our lives have been truly TRANSFORMED. I can no longer recall what our life was like before Lucy and Emily, and whilst I thought we were happy, I now know true happiness – all thanks to our wonderful friend, Beth, for helping us bring our two beautiful daughters into this world. So, here’s our second birth story...
From day one, Beth and I had always talked about Project Sibling – even before we’d had any successes or failures from our IVF attempts, so I guess you could say we were a little “ahead” of ourselves!! But, true to form, our very determined friend, officially offered to try for a sibling less than 24 hours after giving birth to Lucy. It didn’t take us longer than a nanosecond to accept Beth’s very kind offer, albeit a little guiltily given there were so many deserving couples out there who hadn’t yet been given the chance to start their family, let alone complete it.
We were all quite realistic about our chances of this working, but given that we had Lucy, we were all quite relaxed about the process. This was a “nice to have”, the icing on the cake. By the time Lucy had been born, we’d had to use up 9 of our 16 embryos over three rounds of IVF, so we only had 7 left – enough to give us two rounds, we hoped, but with around a 15% success rate from frozen transfers, we expected that Lucy would in fact remain an only child.
So, off we trotted to LFC in April 2007 and in true Hart/Hayes style, we laughed our way through the consultation. Goodness only knows why, as they can blind you with science, but this seems to have been our trademark throughout our IVF journeys. Beth told the doctor the protocol we wished to follow. He made some suggestions which he quickly retracted after seeing the look on Beth’s face (lol) and agreed to the protocol and timetable we’d put forward. So, we were on for transfer of two, 2-day embryos on 26 May 2007!
Whilst we all remained realistic about our chance of success, it was difficult not to have a little hope; Lucy had “worked” against all the odds, so who knows? But at least it would mean “closure” for all of us and we could all get on with our lives knowing we’d tried everything.
As always, Beth down regulated without complaint, her womb lining reached optimum thickness in the required timeframe and so it continued. On the day of transfer, all went swimmingly, too easy by half! And I guess we all just sat back and relaxed. Beth’s children were off school the following week so she had activities planned to keep her occupied. And with Lucy at almost 11 months old, clearly we had a little bundle to distract us this time around.
By now, I knew how addicted to pregnancy tests Beth is, so I was secretly counting the days till I thought she would start testing, which I reckoned would be the Friday. Both for Lucy and for her first surrobabe, Beth had registered a positive PT when the embryos were around 9/10 days old. So, I had it in my mind that if we were successful, we would get a call when the embryos were 10 days old, ie the following Sunday. That said, our wedding anniversary was 6 days later, so we had a babysitter booked for the Friday night and we were going out for a meal. I jokingly said to Beth that if she was planning to test early, then could she do it on the Friday so that we could have a double celebration. But on Friday, no call came... So, the next day, we took Lucy to her ‘water babies’ class, did a bit of shopping and were out most of the day. When the phone rang around 5.30pm, Colin picked it up and I heard “just a minute, Beth”. By this time my eyes were nearly popping out of my head. I’d half expected a call on Friday, then when it hadn’t come, I thought Beth must have been “good” and not tested, so had moved my “expectations” to the Sunday. Having been lost for words when Beth rang with the news that we were expecting Lucy, this time I think I don’t even think I said “Hello”, but something like “You’re joking?!?” to which Beth replied, “Well, I guess you’d better start thinking about names again”. And then I burst into hysterical laughter!! Not quite the glowing reaction a surrogate may want, I guess, but a genuine one, all the same… Beth and I spent a while on the phone, laughing, unbelievably, I guess. So here we were, Project Sibling was officially on...
With Lucy, Beth was very sick for a long time. However, with Emily, it was a different ball game which I guess was a bit unnerving for all of us. Because it had all come so easily this time around, we were waiting for something to go wrong... but thankfully it didn’t and the pregnancy seemed to whizz by. Sadly for Beth, she had lots of distractions that she could have done without and this is where distance is a bad thing. I would have loved to have popped in to help out, or just drag Beth out for lunch or a coffee at the drop of a hat. But living 3½ hours away on a good day, 4½-5 on a bad day, means that visits have to be planned in.
Lucy had arrived at 37wks 2 days so whilst we had joked about Emily arriving early, none of us expected another 37wk arrival. Emily’s due date was 14 February, but given Beth had always given birth on 7th of the month, we were expecting a 7 February arrival and we all planned to be in Luton on that day! I’d arranged to leave work on Friday 1 February, expecting to have more than enough time to make it to the birth. By 17 January, Beth had had a show and so we suspected we had a maximum of two weeks left, so the laid back putting of things on the spare bed became more organised and we had most things packed.
On Thursday 24 January, Colin said before he went to work “If I can get today out of the way, then I’ll feel better” and I said I could do with making it to Friday 25th then I’d be happy to cut and run. So, when my mobile rang at 9.40 that morning and I saw it was Beth, I burst out laughing. Beth said “I think I’m in labour, I’m off to Asda, so you may want to start making your way down here”. “Asda?” I replied, “Are you sure?” So, I rang Colin who just wouldn’t believe me. After what he’d said that morning, he thought I was joking. In the end, I had to be very firm and say “Colin, you need to set out of your office, switch off your pc, go speak to your boss, go pick up Lucy, then get your ass home so we can pack the car and set off for Luton!” At which point he said “Oh s**t, you’re not joking are you?” Men!!
Anyway, considering we were almost packed, it took us an age to get to Luton and when we arrived Beth said. “Right, now you’re here, I want to go for a walk”. So, Beth, her mum and I went for a “march” around the block (the block not being a short stroll, but uphill!)...
Beth had always wanted to have a home birth, but had never managed it, so had asked if we’d mind having a home birth for Emily. If I’m perfectly honest, I was very uncomfortable with the thought of a home birth, but given everything Beth had been through for us, how could I deny her this one request? After Lucy, we’d had to spend 24 hours in hospital and given visiting times and school finishing times, she’d only been able to see her children for about an hour and she’d been stuck with us for the rest of the time. I knew that at home, she could have cuddles whenever she wanted, could feel at ease surrounded by her family and her own things, so I knew a home birth was absolutely the best thing for Beth. Little did I realise what a wonderful experience it would be for everyone!
Beth’s mum and brother were at her house, as were her hubby James and children Chris and Eleanor. Her dad to’d and fro’d between her parents house and Beth’s home. Given Beth’s labour with Lucy had been very quick, we’d not managed to get there in time to see the birth, so I had no idea what to expect. But Beth was behaving like an absolute star. She “just” calmly breathed through the contractions, then carried on as normal. To be honest, I wasn't expecting it to happen until Friday, so when James decided to go to the chippy to get food for everyone, I told Colin to go with him. Beth at this point was posting on the SUK message boards! In all the time we’ve known Beth, some 4½ years now, I’ve never heard her speak firmly to anyone. She did to me at that point, telling me in no uncertain terms that if Colin went with James, one or both of us would miss the birth! I asked was it really this close. “Yes !!” came the reply. Okay then… Colin was then instructed not to go with James. But I mean, how was I supposed to know that it was this close? Who in their right minds is posting on the boards this far during labour!!!
So, the ladies made their way downstairs to watch an absolutely wonderful woman give birth so calmly and serenely. Beth is a textbook example of how to follow your body and do things naturally. Absolutely amazing!! If it'd been me, I'm sure I'd have been the typical TV drama queen!! She breathed her way through it all and only in the final few minutes did she ask for the Entinox. The second midwife took ages to put it all together and I was standing there furious because she was just chatting away while she was doing this. But by now, you could see that Beth needed something to stop her pushing (as she’d requested in her birth plan which they’d read less than an hour before). But after what seemed like an age, when the midwife handed over the mouthpiece, Beth pulled it quickly to her mouth, then before taking a breath, pulled it away again and said to the midwife, “thank you very much”. Again, who in their right mind is worried about being polite at this stage in labour??
During these end stages, I’d been filling up, so Beth’s mum grabbed me to reassure me. I had thought I might be upset at not being able to give birth myself, but to be honest, that thought never crossed my mind once during the labour. My overwhelming emotion was guilt. It was the thought of what pain Beth was going through that concerned me most. She was putting on such a brave face, but you could see that the contractions were getting stronger and I felt so guilty that Beth was doing all this for us. When we saw Beth after Lucy’s birth, it was almost four hours later and so Beth had been showered and looked really well and given the moment she put Lucy in my arms was so emotional and so humbling, I guess I didn't think for too long about what she’d gone through. But here I was witnessing it all and I just told her mum how fantastically proud I was of Beth and everything she was doing for us. Her mum filled up at that point as well, and said “not as proud as I am of her”. That was a magical moment for me.
Then, at 8.35pm, Emily Alexandra Hayes made it into the world, sac intact until the very last moment, and my second daughter was duly handed to me, all 7lb 5½oz of her. There were tears all round. Colin then brought Lucy into the room as she was refusing to go down to sleep (which she always does the first night in her travel cot) so Colin was in with her when Emily arrived. And the photo here of the four of us is literally within a few minutes of her being born. I hate my photo but that photo really represents what SUK is about; creating happy families.
We all had a lovely time with Beth and all of her family for the next three or so hours. Beth’s children were allowed out of bed to meet Emily and for us, it was fab that Lucy was able to see Emily before she fell asleep as it would surely have been strange for her the next morning to see a new baby in our arms. We’d been explaining to her for a few months about Emily’s imminent arrival along with the story of mummy’s tummy being broken, but with babies, you’re never sure how much they understand.
We spent a lovely few days with Beth and her family, the icing on the cake being our usual trip to her grandparents’ house to show off the new arrival. During this time, Beth was on the go all of the time, making meals for her family, having us around, going out to register the birth and deal with the PRA with us and despite our constant enquiries as to how she was, she put on a “good show” and didn’t let on how physically drained she was or how she was coping with her hormones. She’s an absolute star and I love Beth to bits, but she’s a very determined and independent person who hates being fussed over and so is very difficult to look after! Sadly, a week after Emily’s birth, Beth ended up with a cyst for which she needed surgery and which finally laid her up. This was a difficult time and one where distance was a frustrating complication. I wanted to do something to help Beth, but it would mean leaving Colin on his own with two babies under 19 months. So, all I could do was send chocolate! It’s a bit pathetic, but the best I could manage at the time. Thankfully all is well, but it’s a shame the whole experience ended with this “downer” as it had been such a wonderful journey to that point. So again, Beth’s family supported her through a period when I just wish I’d been able to do more.
Colin and I had been very concerned at Lucy’s reaction to Emily as she’d been the centre of our world for the 19 months prior to Emily’s birth. So, we were gobsmacked when Lucy was so affectionate with her and was kissing her ever so gently on the top of her head and keep approaching Emily and smiling with such joy.
However, once Colin went back to work, the strops started. Never at Emily, always at Colin or I, if only one of us was in the room, and we picked up Emily to feed her. Even if Lucy had been engrossed in playing with a toy, all of a sudden, she seemed to realise that she wouldn’t be able to have a cuddle. That said, with hindsight, she was starting to teethe at that time, it was a new thing to have to share us and she was only 19 months old, so to be fair, what else should we have expected?
I was a little concerned that our desire to give Lucy a sibling had turned our happy, bubbly toddler into an unhappy little lady.
Thankfully, this did only last two weeks and all is back to normal once again in the Hayes household. That said, life is much better than expected. Lucy was such a good baby, that we were expecting the baby from hell, however, we have an even more placid baby than Lucy was! By around 8 weeks she was more or less sleeping through from 11-6.30am and by week 9 was going through from 9-6.30am!! How amazing...
So, I come to our wonderful friend Beth and her fantastic family who have supported her through the creation of our family.
James is certainly one in a million. It must take a lot to support your wife in carrying someone else’s child. He’s very protective of Beth, and quite rightly so, but he’s supported her through the down regulating symptoms, the despair of the failures, the highs of the successes and the highs and lows after the birth.
There is clearly an impact on family life in carrying a baby and seeing the joy on the faces of Chris and Eleanor as they met the new arrival was very special, in both cases. But it takes some sensitive handling from both Beth and James to explain to young children why the baby isn’t going to live with the family and to bring them to a level of understanding commensurate with their ages. It is, quite frankly, a lot to put your family through.
And then to Beth’s parents, grandparents and brother and sister in law. It must be so frightening to watch what Beth is doing, being so incredibly proud of her achievements, but also worrying about the risks of pregnancy and childbirth, and at the same time, welcoming our little unit so warmly into their family circle. We are truly honoured to have met Beth and to have her and her family in our lives.
Our journey has been incredibly easy, and that’s purely down to Beth’s commitment, her complete unselfishness and her determination to hide the lows and let us see only the highs. As I said on the boards, we will never be able to repay her for what she’s given us – firstly hope and then true happiness. But I hope that by sharing our lives and our daughters’ futures with her, that she will know every time she sees us that our smiles are genuine and wouldn’t be there but for her generosity.
The card we bought for Beth after Emily’s birth went someway to trying to explain to Beth how inadequate I felt in just saying “thank you”. On the front it says: "Thank you. The words may be small..." And inside it says: "...but the sentiment is huge" Even huge is an understatement… Colin and I feel that we’re the luckiest people alive, we hit the jackpot in meeting Beth and bringing two adorable little girls into this world!
Lynn Hayes